Week 40: Gender disappointment

Well here's another post that's sure to loose me the title of "mum-to-be of the year". In fact, a quick trawl on the pregnancy forums out there tells me this topic is highly controversial. But pregnancy and motherhood is riddled with taboos which, in my opinion, just isn't helpful. Mommy guilt is bad enough without having to be scared of talking openly about your feelings and experiences. So I'm going to be very open here, and if it looses me a few friends, well so be it.

We had our 20 week scan this week and it revealed that our baby is sporting some optional extra bits... yes, we're having a boy. So apparently, hubby and I will now have the perfect family with "one of each". This is a whole topic unto itself, a concept I wholeheartedly disagree with, surely the perfect family has nothing to do with how many children you have or what their gender is? But I won't get into this here, this isn't the purpose of my post.

Of course being told that our baby is seemingly full of health was a huge relief and cause for celebration. But when I got home, reality dawned on me and I started crying. I cried incessantly for two whole days. Why? Well, I was/am suffering from what's called "gender disappointment".

I hadn't realised until then how much I'd hoped this baby would be another girl. Not because I don't like boys, I have a tribe of nephews who are all amazing little dudes and I love them very much. No, I have nothing against little boys. Through the tears and the overwhelming sadness, I have asked myself why it was that I should be so disappointed.

This is what I've come up with: Firstly, I'd let people around me convince me that I was going to have another girl, it was just the way it was meant to be. With my first pregnancy, I was very weary of that and I'd protected my feelings but I guess having had a girl already, it made it easier to believe. We'd already started imagining this little girl and had even chosen her name. So to suddenly be told that this baby isn't a girl meant I had to let go of the little girl I'd created in my head. Yes, it may sound silly to you, but I'm having to mourn an imaginary baby.

Secondly, in my twisted hormonal brain, having a little girl meant having another Nimue. My rational self knows that another girl would not have been another Nimue, but emotionally, that is how it felt. I was looking forward to re-use all the pretty outfits that I have loved so much but that she's grown out of so quickly, I didn't get a chance to appreciate them enough. Now I'm having to sell all the clothes I had been hoarding should we have another girl, and the thought is simply heart wrenching. It means saying goodbye to Nimue's babyhood, something I just wasn't quite ready for. So on top of having to mourn an imaginary baby, I'm having to mourn the baby that has been and gone.

There are many reasons out there why parents suffer from gender disappointment, all equally valid (or invalid depending on where you stand) but these are my reasons. I also know this will all go away the second I lay eyes on this little boy and so in a way, I'm happy we found out early so we have some time to process our grief and disappointment before he arrives.

It may seem abhorrent to some that anyone should suffer from disappointment about something as trivial as gender. But having talked with some amazing mummy friends, I now realise that these feelings are far from unusual and they're most definitely not reprehensible. Pregnancy and motherhood is already an emotional minefield and most of these emotions are impossible to explain or justify but it doesn't make them any less real.

So judge me if you must, I actually don't care. I, in the meantime, will happily lend an ear to any mummy-to-be who's having a hard time whether it be because of a crappy pregnancy, because of gender disappointment or any other emotional turmoil that we're not supposed to talk about. Because motherhood would be so much nicer if we supported and appreciated each other through our differences rather than insisting on painting it as this ideal, almost transcendental experience.

Week 37: Pregnancy woes

This post is most likely going to ruffle some feathers and possibly offend some people so my apologies in advance if any of the following upsets you. But sometimes, just sometimes, things just need to be said and while I try to keep it all politically correct most of the time, I can't hold back any more on this one.

See the photo above? Nice picture, right? I'll let you in on a little secret: It's a lie, one big fat lie. I fucking hate being pregnant! There, I've said it! Now at this point, let me make it very clear that I am deeply grateful for having previously carried a healthy child to term and for being given the opportunity to do it a second time. Yes, I am indeed very lucky and blessed, I do not deny that. Does it make me like pregnancy any more? No, it really does not.

So what is so terrible about being with child? Well the sickness for a start. I'm one of those who suffers with the ridiculously badly named "morning" sickness. It's all day, every day, there's just no let up. I still can't decide which is worse, the relentless nausea or being able to draw up a list of food that are really horrible to sick up (trust me, some are definitely worse than others!). And yes, before you start asking me if I've tried ginger or seabands or standing on my head while chanting "om" (ok I made that one up), I have tried everything. Some remedies offer short lived relief, some make it more manageable for a few days or so but the darn nausea is always there, there is not a day without it.

And worse of all, things that should be really good for me, make it so much worse. Taking my vitamins? guaranteed to induce a bad bout of nausea. Brushing my teeth? almost guaranteed to have me hug the porcelain bowl within seconds. There are days where I feel like I can't win and it just gets to me.

If relentless nausea wasn't enough, I'm tired of being tired. And I'm tired of pregnancy insomnia. What's up with that, seriously?

Oh, and baby brain, don't let me start on baby brain. I don't care that those narrow-minded male scientists have decreed baby brain does not exist (probably the same guys who decided to call it "morning" sickness), as any expectant and new mums can attest, it's very real. I find it crippling. I'm Miss Organised, I'm known to be on top of my game at work and everywhere else, all the time, and that's the way it should be. So when baby brain interferes and I have to re-do the same thing multiple times because I can't focus properly on it, it pisses me off. I have to triple check everything I do to make sure I don't mess up or I haven't forgotten something really important. It's time consuming and well... tiring.

And finally, for my biggest confession to date: I honestly do not like the pregnant form. I don't like my lump, erm, bump. Maybe it taps too deep into my body insecurities or maybe I don't like what's associated with said bump and all the limitations it brings, whatever it is, I don't find it beautiful, womanly, sexy, nope, none of that. I just don't get the attraction.

So, if any of you readers know me personally, don't ask me how I'm feeling unless you're ready to listen to me moaning about how shitty I'm finding pregnancy. If I snap at you for no good reason, it's probably because I'm having a particularly bad day with the nausea and I'm feeling really down. If in a conversation I suddenly glaze over, I haven't lost interest, I'm probably concentrating very hard so as not to retch in front of you. Oh, and please refrain from rubbing the sodding bump, it makes me feel even more self conscious!

I'm sure for some, pregnancy is an enlightening and beautiful time. I'm clearly not one of those, sorry for the moan guys.

Week 26: where did the week go?

I suddenly realised last night that the week was over with another one about to start and I have no idea as to where the time went.

Oh sure, I've been working and there has been a good amount of cooking and baking as well as the usual parenting but I can't really remember any of it. Clearly I have been daydreaming through the week and have completely forgotten to live in the moment. It's so bad that I've barely taken any pictures this week whereas I usually take loads, trying to capture every little moment of my and my daughter's life for posterity.

The realisation that I've let a whole week slip by unnoticed makes me incredibly sad. Where was I? What was it that distracted me so much that I've stopped noticing the little every day wonders that make our lives special? What have I missed out on? I just don't know. And that's a week of my life I will never retrieve, a week I've simply wasted away.

I need to get a grip on this. I know when you're busy surviving, it's not always possible to live life to the fullest. But going through life in a haze is such a waste, every day, every moment is precious and should be cherished. So I'm going to do my darn best to make sure I pay more attention this week. More attention to my surroundings, to my family and most importantly, to me, because it feels like if I don't, I might just lose myself. And that's a pretty scary thought!

Week 21: Friendship

This week has been a bit of a "blah" week. Even though I have been very busy, it feels like I didn't achieve much at all or maybe I just didn't stop long enough to appreciate whatever I did accomplish. The week started well enough but somewhere down the line I ran out of puff.

I think the best example of how it all went down is in the meals I've served up. I normally take great pride in cooking healthy meals for my little family on a daily basis. So, on Monday we had a lovely homemade pasta salad full of fresh, colourful, tasty ingredients. By Saturday I was plating up Ikea hotdogs, with a portion of broccoli on the side just to assuage my guilt. That pretty much says it all.

But, the good thing about blogging more regularly is that it forces me to take long hard look at my life. All the time. And by taking another look at my "blah" week, I realised I'm actually a very lucky girl. I have friends. Many lovely friends. And I'm so grateful for it.

I live in a pretty cool neighbourhood. What I've found here is a real sense of community and I love it. I've bonded with my really lovely neighbours (we're currently planning a street party - watch this space) and we often have fun stuff happening right on our doorsteps. Last Sunday there was a mini springtime festival in the local park where we made the most of the gorgeous weather in the company of our friendly neighbours.

Chilling in style

As we have no family living nearby, I'm reliant on my friends to help me in times of need, especially with hubby away for work so often. And yet another friend came through for me this week when I really wanted to attend my monthly WI meeting but had no one to look after our daughter. I'm always a bit shy about asking for babysitting but this month's meeting was about furniture upcycling and I really wanted to be there.

I made a batch of shortbreads so my friend had something to munch on while babysitting for me. I use Mary Berry's recipe for shortbread, it's simple but efficient. I like that.

These came in handy too when I welcomed another friend into our home on Friday. My friend Lotte is a fellow blogger with a daughter the same age as mine. Part of her house is currently without a roof, you can read all about her woes on her awesome blog. Despite a migraine plaguing me that day, it was great having her around, I just loved the company. And it's always fun to watch our daughters interact nicely together, or thoroughly ignoring one another as the case may be.

So there you go, I have friends and they definitely make my life a lot brighter, even on a "blah" week. And that's why it makes me extra happy to see my daughter building friendships of her own. Currently, she and her childminder's daughters are fast becoming BFFs and I can't hold back an "Aaaaah" every time we arrive there and they toddle off together hand in hand. Cute or what?

On another note, I did manage to make more than just a batch of shortbreads this week. I've blinged up another pair of trainers for my daughter. The lucky girl now has her own personalised high tops. It's taken me a stupid amount of time to figure out how to best transfer the N onto the canvas (freehand calligraphy isn't one of my strong points). Eventually I settled for cutting the outline with a scalpel and then following the cut with a pencil. Worked a treat!

N for Nimue 

I've also made some pink grapefruit marmalade last night. Earlier in the week, I'd bought some pink grapefruits from our local greengrocer and they're the most delicious, sweet, juicy grapefruits I've ever eaten. They inspired me to try my hand at marmalade and it payed off. Just one of these beauties produced 4.5 pots of marmalade. At 40p for the grapefruit, I'd say that's a pretty good return on investment! And it is delicious too. So delicious in fact that I keep trying to find excuses to eat some.

So, with this lovely marmalade to fuel me, let's hope next week will be a whole lot less "blah" and a whole lot more "wow".

Week 20: Baking, bling and cycling

This week started with a tea party for Contact the Elderly. My husband and I became volunteers for the charity last year and agreed to host a tea party twice a year for lonely elderly people. Since January this year I've taken on extra responsibilities as our local group's coordinator.

Contact the Elderly is a charity really close to my heart. In this day and age, having children really doesn't guarantee there will be someone looking after you or keeping you company in old age. Hubby and I are a prime example of that, we've both moved abroad and while we love our parents very much and will do as much as we can to assist them, we're not exactly grow old in loneliness. That's why we volunteer.

Homemade sausage rolls

Usually hubby is the baker in this house but with work calling him away earlier than expected, it fell on me to do most of the baking this time. Hubby did manage to make a mean lemon tart before leaving though, even if it did give him quite a run for his money!

Hole in the otherwise perfect tart was courtesy of a curious toddler...

This time, the rest of the grub on offer included sandwiches, homemade sausage rolls, waffles, carrot cupcakes and meringue nests.

As always, it was all well received and our elderly guests had a lovely afternoon being entertained by our cat making somersaults trying to catch insects and flying leaves while our toddler was being all round cute as only she can do.

The crystals for my blinging project arrived this week so I was able to finish decorating Nimue's shoes. I'd originally thought I'd decorate the whole front part of the shoe but I decided against it in the end, I just think it would be too much. Anyway, I've already used close to 500 crystals as it is! I have another pair of high tops which I'm planning to add a little bling to, hopefully I'll get round to it this week.

My daughter was rummaging through my expansive craft stash this week and pulled out a bag of scoobidoo cords so I felt compelled to make her one. Inspired by the weather I picked some sunshine colours. Incidentally, scoobies are really great with teething babies, Nimue loves chewing on them when her teeth are annoying her. I do need to learn to make spiral ones, just for variety's sake.

I have a confession to make, I am completely addicted to manicures and pretty nails. Every time I keep telling myself that they're unnecessary and a waste of money and really bad for my own nails but I always end up caving in. Last month I had some very pretty spring nails with cherry blossoms painted on them, this month I've gone for a more classic, yet still a tad quirky look.

We've gone and checked on the cygnets this week and were saddened to see that three haven't made the cut. I know it's nature and all that but it still feels cruel that they can't all survive. The ones left over are still pretty darn cute and fluffy.

On Friday I received a belated birthday gift in the form of a bike seat for my daughter. I love cycling, it is by far my preferred method of transport, but I hadn't been on the bike since getting pregnant with Nimue. The morning sickness made me too weak and then with baby in tow, I couldn't really go anywhere on the bike, until now. We took it for a spin on the Bristol-Bath cycling path yesterday and had great fun until our little ride was cut short by Nimue falling ill halfway. Life with kids, he! I am very happy to be back on the saddle though and can't wait to cycle some more.

My little stuntwoman :-)

That's pretty much the week wrapped up but it wouldn't be complete without a picture of hubby's baking treat for this weekend. Yes, yes, I'm a lucky girl!

Fresh crumpets, nom, nom!

Enjoy the sunshine folks x

Week 19: sunshine and tears

As I mentioned in my previous post, I'm now approaching this blog in a different way. From now on I'll be blogging an update on a (hopefully!) weekly basis, interspersed with the occasional, more detailed post. If you see anything that piques your curiosity in a weekly update and you want me to elaborate, please leave me a comment or drop me a line.

This week started with a fab bank holiday weekend. The sun was shining and with the return of Make Sundays Special, Bristol was at its best. The streets were packed with people and it all had a vibrant festival-like atmosphere. There was even a massive water slide down one of the city's main arteries. Amazing! We had a fab family day out taking it all in.

Our daughter got to explore the great outdoors some more, has carried on caring for her naming tree and was introduced to the art of barbecuing.

Weeks ago, I thought I'd make some coloured rice for Nimue to play with but there's no way I'm going to let her play with it indoors (I'm not a huge fan of the vacuum cleaner at the best of times!) so with the arrival of the sunny weather, she finally had a chance to play with it. It's really simple to make and, unlike the gravel on our patio, I don't mind if she ends up eating some.

I've also started blinging up some trainers for the little miss this week but I've run out of crystals mid-project so all I can show you for now is the start. I should be able to show you the finished article later this month.

Mid-week the weather soured and we received the devastating news that a friend, who played a role in getting hubby and I together, has ended her long battle with cancer. It was a sad day with lots of tears but also many hugs and stolen kisses with my daughter. Life is oh so short and far from fair, it's important to hug the people we hold dear and tell them how much we love them as often as possible. In an attempt at dispelling some of the sadness of the day, I decided to introduce our toddler to baking. We made a chocolate and marmalade cake and an awful lot of mess! But I dare say this little one has already inherited her parents' love of baking.

It's not just baking our daughter is interested in though. Lately, she has been desperate to contribute in the kitchen. Sadly we don't have much space on the counter tops for her to sit on and it makes me really nervous when she is up there. So, my husband, who loves a bit of woodwork, has made her a little helper pod. It was finished last night and Nimue has christened it with enthusiasm today. Hubby has done us proud, it's a beautiful piece of craftsmanship and with some tender loving care, it will make a fab heirloom. The only downside is that with a toddler involved in the food prep and the washing up, we're going to have a whole lot more kitchen cleaning to do!

Tomorrow we're hosting a tea party for Contact the Elderly so there's some frantic baking going on here this weekend, you'll hear all about it in next week's update. Until then, take care x

Week 18 - a lot to celebrate

I've been thinking about my blog a lot lately. When I started it, I didn't mean for it to be a dedicated craft blog but that's the direction it took almost straight away. But since having a child, I don't get to craft half as much as I used to, projects take ages to finish and that leaves me with seemingly little to blog about.

I've wondered whether I should just drop the blogging, whether I should take it in a new direction and then I took a closer look at my life and I realised I make things all the time. Not always big, accomplished, crafty projects but I cook, I bake, I fix stuff, I start projects and finish bits of it on a regular basis. So instead of waiting for the end of a project and write extensively about it, I'm going to show you my little every day accomplishments on a (hopefully!) weekly basis. And when I do manage to finish a knit or a sew or a piece of jewellery, I'll write a separate, more detailed post.

If you spot anything in a weekly update and want me to give more details about it, then just leave me a comment or drop me a line and I'll happily oblige.

So we start with week 18... well, with the end of week 17 included. This week has been one of celebrations.

On Saturday 26th April, it was Koningsdag, the Dutch national celebration. In an attempt at bringing up a multilingual child, we have recently hooked up with a network of Dutch people living in Bristol. The Dutch can be quite patriotic and Koningsdag is a big deal to them so we all got together for a family celebration at the Bristol's Children Playhouse. Everyone brought traditional Dutch foods and dressed up in the traditional orange. Our food contribution included orange cake pops, boterkoek (a Dutch take on shortbread) and poffertjes (a sort of mini pancake served with melted butter and icing sugar). All in all, it was a lovely day, our daughter certainly had a fab time.

A very orange buffet

Orange cake pops

We live on the edge of a park with a lovely big pond in it. It's home to many ducks and a couple of swans. I'd observed that the female swan had retreated to her nest for what felt like weeks, a sure sign that cygnets were on the way. My daughter and I were delighted when we saw the cygnets had finally hatched earlier this week. They are so cute and fluffy, absolutely gorgeous!

With the nicer spring weather timidly settling in, Nimue has taken great pleasure in doing some gardening and looking after her naming tree.

This week was also the week of Beltane and we were in Glastonbury as usual to celebrate my favourite festival of all. Celebrating life, love, sensuality and fertility with like minded folks always leaves me happy for days afterwards. As usual, we jumped over the Beltane fire and danced the Maypole. Despite being up well past her bedtime, our daughter clapped along to the songs and was completely in awe of the Maypole dance. I wrapped her up in my Beltane shawl when we were outside and it suited her so well.

On the baking front, I've been making a batch of clotted cream rice pudding. It remains to this day Nimue's favourite pudding. It's pretty easy to make and freezes really well so I make it in batches on a regular basis. For some reason though, I am yet to make a batch where I don't let the milk boil over the pan, I always get distracted at the crucial moment.

So that was week 18! Have a lovely bank holiday weekend folks and until next time x