Week 42: Make your own chocolate spread

It's not always doom and gloom in this little witch's world and while pregnancy definitely turns me into a grinch, not everything is cause for a moan.

Earlier this week, I ran out of chocolate sprinkles, which, served on bread, is the breakfast of choice for my Dutch compatriots. I'm not a huge consumer of the stuff but my hubby and daughter are quite partial to it and with no trips to the continent planned for a while, I had to come up with an alternative, quick! I hate the chocolate spreads out there, particularly Nutella, I know I stand very isolated on this one, but I can't find a single redeeming feature to the stuff. Luckily for me, I remembered having the recipe for a homemade chocolate spread in one of my Belgian cooking books and I still had quite a few slabs of good quality Belgian chocolate in my pantry so I decided to give it a go.

After I posted pictures of the finished product on Facebook, I got many requests for the recipe (and many volunteers for sampling!) so here it is by popular demand.

All you need is 3 ingredients, yes, just 3!

- 200g good quality dark chocolate*
- 200g butter
- 400g tin of sweetened condensed milk

* I can never emphasise enough how important it is to use good quality ingredients, especially when it comes to chocolate! I use Belgian chocolate that I bring back from the home country but failing that, my chocolate of choice would be Green & Black's cooking chocolate. Good chocolate needn't break the bank, Aldi and Lidl tend to have decent chocolate for a good price, just make sure it's got a high cocoa content.

Method:
- Put a glass bowl over a pan of hot water, making sure the water doesn't actually touch the bowl.
- Break the chocolate in small pieces and cut the butter in small cubes then melt the lot slowly in your glass bowl, stirring constantly.
- When all the chocolate and butter has melted, remove from the heat and stir in the condensed milk.
- Spoon the mixture in clean jars and that's it, you're done!

I can promise you this will work out cheaper than Nutella and taste a million times better. The only "snag" is that it needs to be kept in a cool place and consumed within a couple of weeks.

I can confirm that our daughter gave it her seal of approval the next morning. So did the few lucky neighbours who got to sample some.

A few personal thoughts on the recipe:
- It makes quite a lot for my little family to consume within a couple of weeks so I would consider halving the quantities next time.
- For a nuttier, crunchier spread, you could try adding finely chopped hazelnuts.
- For a more fancy spread, you could try adding a pinch of sea salt, chili or pink peppercorns, all of which work well with chocolate.
- I find the spread still a little too sweet to my liking so I might try making it with evaporated milk next time.
- For the coconut fans out there, I'm wondering whether you could replace the condensed milk with coconut milk and even the butter for coconut oil. Then you could also add a bit of desiccated coconut for a bit of texture?

Let me know if you give this recipe a go and particularly if you attempt any of my suggested alterations, I'd be curious to know what you thought of it.

Week 40: Gender disappointment

Well here's another post that's sure to loose me the title of "mum-to-be of the year". In fact, a quick trawl on the pregnancy forums out there tells me this topic is highly controversial. But pregnancy and motherhood is riddled with taboos which, in my opinion, just isn't helpful. Mommy guilt is bad enough without having to be scared of talking openly about your feelings and experiences. So I'm going to be very open here, and if it looses me a few friends, well so be it.

We had our 20 week scan this week and it revealed that our baby is sporting some optional extra bits... yes, we're having a boy. So apparently, hubby and I will now have the perfect family with "one of each". This is a whole topic unto itself, a concept I wholeheartedly disagree with, surely the perfect family has nothing to do with how many children you have or what their gender is? But I won't get into this here, this isn't the purpose of my post.

Of course being told that our baby is seemingly full of health was a huge relief and cause for celebration. But when I got home, reality dawned on me and I started crying. I cried incessantly for two whole days. Why? Well, I was/am suffering from what's called "gender disappointment".

I hadn't realised until then how much I'd hoped this baby would be another girl. Not because I don't like boys, I have a tribe of nephews who are all amazing little dudes and I love them very much. No, I have nothing against little boys. Through the tears and the overwhelming sadness, I have asked myself why it was that I should be so disappointed.

This is what I've come up with: Firstly, I'd let people around me convince me that I was going to have another girl, it was just the way it was meant to be. With my first pregnancy, I was very weary of that and I'd protected my feelings but I guess having had a girl already, it made it easier to believe. We'd already started imagining this little girl and had even chosen her name. So to suddenly be told that this baby isn't a girl meant I had to let go of the little girl I'd created in my head. Yes, it may sound silly to you, but I'm having to mourn an imaginary baby.

Secondly, in my twisted hormonal brain, having a little girl meant having another Nimue. My rational self knows that another girl would not have been another Nimue, but emotionally, that is how it felt. I was looking forward to re-use all the pretty outfits that I have loved so much but that she's grown out of so quickly, I didn't get a chance to appreciate them enough. Now I'm having to sell all the clothes I had been hoarding should we have another girl, and the thought is simply heart wrenching. It means saying goodbye to Nimue's babyhood, something I just wasn't quite ready for. So on top of having to mourn an imaginary baby, I'm having to mourn the baby that has been and gone.

There are many reasons out there why parents suffer from gender disappointment, all equally valid (or invalid depending on where you stand) but these are my reasons. I also know this will all go away the second I lay eyes on this little boy and so in a way, I'm happy we found out early so we have some time to process our grief and disappointment before he arrives.

It may seem abhorrent to some that anyone should suffer from disappointment about something as trivial as gender. But having talked with some amazing mummy friends, I now realise that these feelings are far from unusual and they're most definitely not reprehensible. Pregnancy and motherhood is already an emotional minefield and most of these emotions are impossible to explain or justify but it doesn't make them any less real.

So judge me if you must, I actually don't care. I, in the meantime, will happily lend an ear to any mummy-to-be who's having a hard time whether it be because of a crappy pregnancy, because of gender disappointment or any other emotional turmoil that we're not supposed to talk about. Because motherhood would be so much nicer if we supported and appreciated each other through our differences rather than insisting on painting it as this ideal, almost transcendental experience.

Week 37: Pregnancy woes

This post is most likely going to ruffle some feathers and possibly offend some people so my apologies in advance if any of the following upsets you. But sometimes, just sometimes, things just need to be said and while I try to keep it all politically correct most of the time, I can't hold back any more on this one.

See the photo above? Nice picture, right? I'll let you in on a little secret: It's a lie, one big fat lie. I fucking hate being pregnant! There, I've said it! Now at this point, let me make it very clear that I am deeply grateful for having previously carried a healthy child to term and for being given the opportunity to do it a second time. Yes, I am indeed very lucky and blessed, I do not deny that. Does it make me like pregnancy any more? No, it really does not.

So what is so terrible about being with child? Well the sickness for a start. I'm one of those who suffers with the ridiculously badly named "morning" sickness. It's all day, every day, there's just no let up. I still can't decide which is worse, the relentless nausea or being able to draw up a list of food that are really horrible to sick up (trust me, some are definitely worse than others!). And yes, before you start asking me if I've tried ginger or seabands or standing on my head while chanting "om" (ok I made that one up), I have tried everything. Some remedies offer short lived relief, some make it more manageable for a few days or so but the darn nausea is always there, there is not a day without it.

And worse of all, things that should be really good for me, make it so much worse. Taking my vitamins? guaranteed to induce a bad bout of nausea. Brushing my teeth? almost guaranteed to have me hug the porcelain bowl within seconds. There are days where I feel like I can't win and it just gets to me.

If relentless nausea wasn't enough, I'm tired of being tired. And I'm tired of pregnancy insomnia. What's up with that, seriously?

Oh, and baby brain, don't let me start on baby brain. I don't care that those narrow-minded male scientists have decreed baby brain does not exist (probably the same guys who decided to call it "morning" sickness), as any expectant and new mums can attest, it's very real. I find it crippling. I'm Miss Organised, I'm known to be on top of my game at work and everywhere else, all the time, and that's the way it should be. So when baby brain interferes and I have to re-do the same thing multiple times because I can't focus properly on it, it pisses me off. I have to triple check everything I do to make sure I don't mess up or I haven't forgotten something really important. It's time consuming and well... tiring.

And finally, for my biggest confession to date: I honestly do not like the pregnant form. I don't like my lump, erm, bump. Maybe it taps too deep into my body insecurities or maybe I don't like what's associated with said bump and all the limitations it brings, whatever it is, I don't find it beautiful, womanly, sexy, nope, none of that. I just don't get the attraction.

So, if any of you readers know me personally, don't ask me how I'm feeling unless you're ready to listen to me moaning about how shitty I'm finding pregnancy. If I snap at you for no good reason, it's probably because I'm having a particularly bad day with the nausea and I'm feeling really down. If in a conversation I suddenly glaze over, I haven't lost interest, I'm probably concentrating very hard so as not to retch in front of you. Oh, and please refrain from rubbing the sodding bump, it makes me feel even more self conscious!

I'm sure for some, pregnancy is an enlightening and beautiful time. I'm clearly not one of those, sorry for the moan guys.

Week 36: Scrumptious mango chutney

I took a little holiday from the blog. It started with a proper holiday with no access to internet and then it kind of dragged on for a bit because I've been really busy. If only because I'm cooking another goosling, yep that's right, I'm expecting baby number 2 and it's making me feel tired and rubbish (and happy too, of course). I'll keep my pregnancy woes to a future post while I move on to what actually brought me back onto the blog: a pretty darn amazing mango chutney!

Yesterday, I spotted on my greengrocer's Facebook page (yes, they're funky like that at my local greengrocer) that they had boxes of 12 mangoes going for £2. I just couldn't resist the bargain and headed straight down to bag myself some of that sunny goodness.

But what to do with 12 mangoes? Why, chutney of course! It was my first attempt and I am proud to say, it's turned out so good that I have actually been tempted to eat the whole 2kg of chutney with a spoon. As I am generous like that, here's the recipe for those who would like to try it:

Ingredients:
- 1.3kg mangoes, diced in roughly 2cm cubes (weight when skinned and stoned) - it's best to use mangoes that are slightly under ripe as they'll hold their shape better
- 350g onions, finely chopped (weight when peeled and chopped)
- 2 garlic cloves, peeled and chopped
- 300ml white wine vinegar
- 550g sugar
- 1 orange
- 1 red chilli, chopped
- 1/4 teaspoon each of: allspice, cardamon seeds, ground cinnamon, coriander seeds, ground ginger, mustard seeds, peppercorns
- 4 cloves
- 2 bay leaves

Method:
- Tie the spices, red chilli, cloves and bay leaves in a muslin bag
- Put the onion, garlic, vinegar, mango and muslin bag in a pan
- Simmer gently for about 20 minutes until the fruit and the onions are getting soft
- Grate the zest of the orange finely and squeeze out the juice, add to the pan and cook for 5 more minutes
- Remove the muslin bag
- Add the sugar and stir over low heat until dissolved
- Bring to a steady boil and cook until it is the consistency of a soft rather than stiff jam
- Leave to cool for about 10 minutes before spooning into clean jars

And there you have it, a delicious mango chutney. If you try the recipe, let me know what you thought of it.

Week 31: A t-shirt dress tutorial

It's been a great week. If only because I managed to make a second t-shirt dress and take enough pictures to write a tutorial. So here it is:

1. I've used a £2.50 t-shirt from Next. I measured on my daughter where her waist was and added a 1.5cm seam allowance. Before cutting, I put a strip of iron-on interfacing to stabilise the fabric.

 2. I used the whole width of my fabric but measured the length of skirt I needed + 7cm of seam allowance. I then folded 2 cm at the top of the fabric and pressed it then repeated the operation. This folded edge will become the gutter in which to insert an elastic.

 3. I stitched my gutter as close to the bottom edge as possible.

 4. I measured a piece of sewing elastic to be roughly the same size as the cut edge of the t-shirt. To insert the elastic in the gutter, I tape it to the end of knitting needle and push it through.

 5. Once you have inserted the elastic, pin it in place so it is flush with the raw edges of the fabric and as close to the seam you just made as possible.

6. I've used a French seam for this skirt, they're meant to be stronger for children's clothes. So, if you're new to a French seam, what you do is make a small seam (0.5cm) with the wrong sides of the fabric together.

 7. You then turn your fabric inside out and do a larger seam (1cm) with the right sides together. That means there should be no raw edges showing on your seam.

 8. By using this seam, the elastic will have been trapped twice in the seam as well.

 9. At this stage, the skirt part is nearly done. You could just seam the bottom and use it as it is but as we're making a t-shirt dress, there's a few more steps for you to follow.

10. Mark the 4 cardinal points of you skirt with pins, so the two edges and the two middle points.

 11. Do the same with your t-shirt and match them up, right sides together.

 12. Pin the hell out of it so it won't shift when you're stitching it. While pinning, try and push the elastic towards the seam so it doesn't catch when you're stitching the skirt to the t-shirt and create bulky seams.

 13. It's time to attach the two pieces together. I find it easier to have the t-shirt underneath so you have a smooth surface to "glide" on and you can keep an eye on the gathering of the skirt.

 14. Finally, all that's left is to seam the bottom of the skirt. I've used a 1.5 cm seam folded and pressed twice.

 15. Et voilà, you have made a t-shirt dress! Well done you!

 16. I've added a couple of finishing touches to mine. A pretty little ribbon at the front of the skirt and a a chest pocket. Not mandatory, but they're pretty.

My daughter was so excited to see her dress in the morning, she practically begged me to put it on. She then ran to the mirror to admire herself. Look at that proud grin! It made it so worthwhile!

I hope you enjoyed this tutorial. If you have any questions, feel free to ask!